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Scared to be judged!

The bump into fitness programme isn’t about your weight. Do you ever wonder why?

For that we have to go back to 2011. I had found out I was pregnant, it was unexpected and unplanned and shocking (we had just booked our wedding)

🥳 fun fact: my acupuncturist told me and the next day I took a test 😱🥰

Anyway, from the second I found out there was what felt like pressure, to have a girl, to not have a girl… there was some jealousy which turned into what felt like bullying in a personal relationship and my work place were not happy about my time spent In the toilet….. and finally there was “morning sickness”…… actually it was

hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) which is why I was constantly in the toilet!

🛑 I went from loving food to not being able to look at it!

🛑I went from exercising everyday to being scared to move incase the motion made me sick!

🛑I couldn’t even keep liquid down…..

🛑 running out between clients to be sick

🛑attending my day job for half a day and being forced to take maternity leave early!

In two weeks I lost 1 1/2 stone 🤮

I once threw up, farted and wee’d my pants at the same time! 😂😂😂😂

There came a point where my partner couldn’t even make a cup of tea with me in the same room! He was helpless and I felt that way too!

I live 200 miles away from my family and I literally never felt more alone or useless in my life! I was unable to use my body in the way I loved, to dance, to exercise 🥲

I didn’t know pregnancy could be like that! 🤮

I know now my body did it’s job really well🤦🏻‍♀️ but thanks 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

My birth was fine: great even! But after came the comments!

✔️ youve snapped back

✔️ you came home in your jeans 👖

✔️ your tiny 🥰

✔️ wow you don’t even look like you’ve had a baby!

Truth is I left the hospital 1/2 stone light than I had begun pregnancy and at my 40 weeks I was only 10lbs higher than when I began!

It irritated me! I HAD had a baby! I grew him, I was so ill with him, I’d suffered from other peoples insecurities and jealousy and nearly lost my job topping it off with hours and hours of pain ending in my human finally making an appearance and coming out blue! So yes I had had a baby!…..he was healthy and loved and much wanted…. And those comments made me angry, defensive and hurt deeply!

My body may have snapped back but my mind didn’t and looking back I had what would now be called postnatal anxiety, because I worried about the people that tore me apart in my pregnancy, how or if fences would mend, if I was such a “bad pregnant woman” (that’s how it felt) would I be a good mum? I would lie awake and watch him because I worried what would happen if I fell asleep. I wouldn’t let him cry for a bottle or anything…. I was a helicopter parent, no one could look after him better than me…. And yet, I didn’t feel like I was good enough for him…

My family were still far away, my partner had never really been around children for more than a few hours before… and worked full time. I felt alone!

I didn’t have the experience I always thought I would.

No one knew a thing was wrong! Until I went to visit my mum and he got poorly, I snapped and asked my mum to take him away and adopt him! He hated me and I didn’t deserve him!

My partner may have thought something was wrong but didn’t know how to cope or where to turn…. Luckily my melt down happened around people who knew me best.

My mum shut the door and let me sleep, she looked after my son all night. When I woke up she made me breakfast, ran me a bath and then packed her bag and came to stay for a while.

She let me be the mum, while being my mum!

Luckily a few of my friends had babies at a similar time! No one experience was the same but once I opened up, I had support I was so lucky with his routine that I was able to use that time to go for walks, exercise and socialise with my friends (read family) and eat!

Again, nothing was mentioned but if I needed them, hugs, company, to shout! Hi had it!

For me, I started to feel like myself again when I could move as I had before, when I was able to lift myself off the floor without effort!

When no one mentioned my weight!

I don’t believe people did it to hurt me or intentionally even, I believe it’s just things we are taught to say socially and when we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, sometimes it hurts!

BIF was created by me with the intention of any woman walking through the door and feeling welcome, not judged and maybe even a little loved! If she needs it!

After he was here I soon realised I couldn’t move my body in the same way! It was more depressing and there were not programs out there at the time that helped me achieve what I wanted: to feel strong again! It was all crunches and “losing the mum tum” “toning the flab”….. and while I understand that for many that is a real genuine concern…. For me it was depressing I didn’t feel that way! So I felt like there wasn’t a place for me!

“So skinny I didn’t need to exercise”

This for me is where the problem is! It isn’t about how we look, it’s about how we’re healing, our strong our support on the inside is, because we’re on the go all the time, we’re lifting heavy things! And it’s about how I’m feeling, sleeping and fuelling my body!

Ive seen women be put on “dairy free” and lose weight because they don’t know what else to eat!

If we can’t look after ourselves physically, emotionally and nutritionally…… how can we be expected to look after our little humans?

I had a loving partner, family and friends!

I had a healthy baby and I was so grateful but I needed to feel like myself and that took time.

I needed to grieve and let go of people, expectations and hurt. For me, I do that through my body! I move!

Bump into fitness is an exercise programme designed to heal your body, give you confidence in your inner strength and help you to reach your goals so you feel your best. It’s also a community of woman who are really honest, welcoming and supportive.

My experience made me so nervous to have another child I’d always find an excuse…. And until recently I really regretted that! If I can provide just one woman with an environment where she can feel she can ask for help if she needs, then that’s my privilege.

We work magic, through movement.

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